Ok, in case you hadn't guessed, I've been seriously busy, so haven't had a chance to come on here, but right now, I really need to let out what's on my mind, because it's so busy =(
First of, the most obvious thing is how my mum is being with me. We had a fall out, but she's refusing to make amends, and is being really childish about the whole thing, by not talking to me etc. I seriously sometimes feel like I'm the adult round here. It's really getting me down and it's getting too much. I wish my mum would grow up and start acting her age. I've started dreading going home =(
Slightly less obvious is drama. We have just over a month to get our final piece together, but my group isn't working together. We kinda got a kick in the backside today when Miss basically told us we were working at a G atm, which has helped, but how long for, I don't know. We need to sort out some after school rehearsals asap, but nobody seems to care. I'm starting to panic, cuz Drama is the one subject I HAVE to do well in, and if I mess it up... well I don't know what I'll do. Get pregnant and live off benefits probably, as my life would be ruined anyway. And I know some people might think that's a bit extreme, but that is how much drama means to me, and after all, this IS my GCSEs, they'll influence the rest of my life.
Slightly less obvious is something that some people would realise but others wouldn't, as they'd think I was feeling this way for a different reason. Me and Yung split up waaaaay back in October (school work got too much for us =() and although I'm now over him, there are a few things with the whole thing that are bugging me. First of all, is how even though we said we'd still be friends, and we were for a while, he's now pretty much stopped talking to me. Why do guys do that? Miles was exactly the same, though Miles was a twat and Yung wasn't, so why??? Secondly, and this will probably make me seem like a jealous bitch, but Yung's school is putting on Hairspray, which I would LOVE to do, but neither my school nor the theatre will put it on, and ok, I'll admit it, I'm REALLY jealous, especially as he's doing his first performance tonight, and I'm not doing any to the summer. So yeah... that's just jealousy pretty much.
Probably more obvious than that is about my hair. I got it cut last night, but it's been cut too short. Not important? Normally I wouldn't have thought so, but now I've realised just how upsetting it is. I was growing my hair long, and it's taken me AGES to get it this long, and it's only 2 months until prom and I want long hair for it but I don't want extensions because they're fake and I'm not. And that probably made me seem fake, but that's just how I feel.
Now, onto the deeper stuff, which I guess is the real reasons to why I'm feeling like this, the rest of the stuff is just niggling.
Claire... if you read this then please take it into account. I know you probably won't, but I just don't know how to tell you this. Your obsession with your weight is going too far. It feels like every single conversation has to involve calorie content or diets or weight in some way, I can't get away from it, and your constant putting yourself down and saying how you need to lose weight is making me lose all my confidence - remember I'm a size bigger than you when you say the stuff you say, and also remember that I'm happy the way I am, and I can help you become happy with the way you are (which, at a size 10, is perfectly healthy) if you'll just let me. What's worse is that you promised that you wouldn't skip meals or do anything stupid like that, which I know you've broken because you've done it in front of me. So what the hell is going on when I'm not around to look after you? What's worst of all though, is that I'm worried you're going to help up seriously ill because of it and I don't know how to stop it, and I'm crying right now so I hope you realise how much I mean this. If you were a bit bigger then maybe I wouldn't worry so much because I'd have time to get you out of your habits but you're so small now that you can't lose much more weight before you become underweight. I just don't know what to do. Oh and btw, I've stopped crying now, I know you wouldn't want me to cry over you so I just thought I'd reassure you.
And finally... something I haven't really admitted fully to anyone... I mean not even Claire, not properly. Basically, I really like this guy... and I guess I can use his real name cuz no one's gonna read this shit anyway, his name's Francis, and I really like him. I started liking him the night of the Christmas concert, (he's a drummer), when he pretended to insult me and I took pretend offence so he wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I felt such a tingle all over. At first I thought I was just craving male attention, but as time went on, I realised I was constantly thinking about him, and every time I was near him or talking to him my heart was beating a hundred times faster. Why is this a problem? Because one of my closest mates, Tiri, also likes him. I know I probably shouldn't write that here, she can visit this page anytime she likes, but fuck it, I need to say it out loud. She's also liked him a lot longer than I have - in THAT way, I've liked him as a person since I met him. Worst thing is, I can't figure out who he likes - maybe he doesn't even know. He is a guy, after all.
That's all for now... sorry for depressing you, I'll hopefully be a bit more cheerful next time xD
Laterzzz
