So... things aren't great. And it's just me really... a lot has happened since I last posted on here, but then it's nearing a year since I did last post. I guess I haven't wanted to... and I suppose I need to talk, but I don't want to talk to anyone, and nobody ever reads this anymore, and it's safer to write stuff on the internet than write it on a piece of paper where my mum could find it. I was seeing a psychiatrist, but turned out I couldn't trust her, and it's really knocked me... I struggle to trust people as it is, but now, I'm finding it really hard, and I'm getting so paranoid that everyone's plotting against me or something. Doesn't help that a friend of mine (I'm not gonna name anyone in case someone DOES read this, so I'll call her Amy) is becoming more distant from me... I tried to talk to her about stuff, even though I was scared to, and she just didn't seem to give a fuck. Back in year 10 & 11, I told her about how scared I was to finish high school and move on, because of everything that happened when I finished primary school and moved to high school, and she told me that she'd always be there for me and she'd never let it happen, but it IS happening and she's not there for me, she doesn't seem to want to know me anymore. I know whoever reads this will just say, oh, people move on, but you don't know the stuff I've told her over the years because she was the only person I felt I could trust and now I CAN'T trust her. I can't trust anyone, because they'll leave me, they always fucking do. I feel so alone, and right now I need to feel as not alone as possible, because I'm vulnerable, and even now, I'm realising I can't quite talk about it because if anyone reads this they'll think I'm a fucking freak, but I want to die and don't want to die at the same time, and I'm gonna end up killing myself if I can't sort myself out, but I can't because I can't trust anyone and I feel like nobody gives a fuck. So yeah. Maybe I'll die, and nobody will care.

Oh, and I'm in love, however much I deny it, I am. But I can't say who, because they'll never like me back.

The Feeling Inside

Yes, another deep post... but it gets lighter later on, don't worry =L

As I grew up, I felt strong. Of course I got upset, of course I got angry, I'm only human, but I felt like I could cope with things. Then I got ill, and things changed. Slowly, I felt less like I could cope. Things felt out of my control, and my emotions were all over the place. I felt frustrated, isolated, useless, worthless, like there was no point. It took a while, but eventually, I managed to start dealing with these feelings. Sometimes I'd still break down in public, or do something stupid, but gradually, I felt more and more in control. And finally, last week, I felt free from all those emotions. I now feel like I did before. Of course I'm going to get upset, angry, worried, but I can cope with it. Life is good, even when it's crap! My mum always told me "Life's a bitch, and then you die," but it's not, it can be a bitch, but the good moments make it so much better =)

A slightly short post, but I shall leave it there for now... X Factor is on! And wish me good luck for my job interview on Tuesday xD

Life...

So I'm still loving 6th form! I know, most people would find it impossible to love education but I really do. Apart from today, when everything went wrong in Media (there were only 3 tripods between 4 groups and our group got stuck without one, then our camera wouldn't work so we had to wait 1 hour & 1/4 before we could start filming, then it started raining during our outside shots, and then there was only one classroom free to use... a DT classroom. Which meant instead of shooting our piece at a desk, it had to be done at a workbench... hope nobody realises =L)

Well yesterday I had my interview at Brantano, which I think went well (but then I'm no expert at interviews =L), and I really hope I get the job there xD I also had an interview at Poundland today but that didn't go as well... the vacancy was 16 hours, and we've been advised by the 6th form not to go over 10, and there's no way I'm gonna jeopardise my studies just to get a few extra quid.

So yeah, I guess today hasn't been the most productive day... though I did get some chips. Om nom.

And also... I've been thinking... this is pretty deep, but I think it's true.

Cuz when I was younger, and people used to question the meaning of life, I used to say the meaning of life was to have fun, cuz you know, what is life without fun? A pile of crap really. But now I think... I think the meaning of life is love. And I don't mean that in a boy-meets-girl way, I mean ALL kinds of love, love love included but like friendship love and family love and even love for where you're from and the things you love doing... apparently Freud once said that everything we do is in order to get sex. I think that everything we do is somehow connected to something we love, and maybe he loved sex so that's what it's about, and if you love sex, then yeah, maybe it might be true for you, but I don't think it's only for sex... I think it's for love. Because not only do we need to feel like somebody cares about us, but we need to care about someone or something.

Z.O.M.G.

Heyy! I'm restarting this whole blogging thing cuz I think I ended kinda negatively before and you know, I miss blogging and stuff's changed since I last posted, oh and I've had to make a separate blog for Media so I thought, why not restart this now?

So... yeah, I'm now at 6th form! Doesn't seem possible considering I started this in year 10! But it's true, and I actually love 6th form! Probably too much =L I love all my subjects (Theatre Studies, Psychology, French and Media Studies if you're wondering xD), and I love having free periods (though I do actually work during some of them, shock horror!), and I love how much freedom we have, they say it's like school except you don't have to wear uniform, but that's a lie, it's so different, so much more grown-up and laidback, and I feel like I'm enjoying the work more. Maybe that's cuz I no longer have to do Maths and Science though =L

Only thing I'm not enjoying is that Claire & Jaz have gone off to college. Even though I know it's the best place for them to go cuz it's the best route for them to do what they wanna do, I still miss them, it's so weird not having the usual famous four! We need to meet up asap... I guess it's Jazzy's birthday in October though, so we'll have to meet up then! Oh crap, that reminds me... I still have loads of pressies to get for people, cuz waaaaay too many people have their birthdays this time of year.... Becky, Jaz, Claire, Emma, Laura and my mum! Gahh!! And I've gotta have Becky's by next weekend as we're going quasar!!! Omg I love quasar, it's AMAZING! If you've never been, go. Go now! Well maybe wait until you've finished reading this and then go, but the point is, GO! I guarantee you will have such a fun time.

Also, since my 16th birthday, I've been searching for a job, with no luck... but I finally have an interview!! At Brantano!!! Yay!!! How cool would it be to work in Brantano? Surrounded by shoes... so many shoes... and I haven't been to Brantano for ages. They sell Rocketdogs. I LUUUURVE Rocketdogs. Normally I'm not a brand type person, but I do love them. And I still haven't forgiven my mum for ruining my first pair :'(

Also... you may or may not know I am a big fan of Three Days Grace... and a few days ago, I finally started listening to their latest album. Let me tell you, it is pure epicness the whole way through! Lost In You is my favourite (yes, it's a little soppy, but who cares? I love it!), closely followed by Break, which has an awesome video to accompany it! If you have yet to listen to them... do it. Do it now! And you have no excuse, I'm putting the videos for both songs in this post ;)

So yeah xD Hope you love them as much as me xD

I wish...

I wish I could express the full way I feel... because everytime I think I know, something happens to change my mind.

I'm so confused about Francis.

And I thought Kev liked me, but now I'm not so sure.

He's a great friend, but I don't like him that way, and it would be too long distance.

I don't know if I'm 100% over Yung.

I'm so worried about Claire. She's ill as well now, and it's NOT migraines like she says.

I'm worried about Mew too. He's also ill, and isn't getting himself checked out.

Tiri's mum is being a bitch. And I don't know how, Tiri is honestly one of the few people I know who you simply CAN'T be a bitch too, they're too nice.

Drama really upset Lauren. Well it upset all of us, but especially Lauren, she worked SO hard on that scene and got absolutely NO recognition for it.

I hate being able to see both sides of the story.

I hate trying to be in charge, I hate being in charge, and I hate not being in charge.

Drama really upset be in more ways that one.

It made me feel sick in more ways than one.

I hate my past.

I hate how I feel.

I hate how people care about me, and I hate it when they don't.

I wish I could make sense of it all.

Several Months Later...

Ok, in case you hadn't guessed, I've been seriously busy, so haven't had a chance to come on here, but right now, I really need to let out what's on my mind, because it's so busy =(

First of, the most obvious thing is how my mum is being with me. We had a fall out, but she's refusing to make amends, and is being really childish about the whole thing, by not talking to me etc. I seriously sometimes feel like I'm the adult round here. It's really getting me down and it's getting too much. I wish my mum would grow up and start acting her age. I've started dreading going home =(

Slightly less obvious is drama. We have just over a month to get our final piece together, but my group isn't working together. We kinda got a kick in the backside today when Miss basically told us we were working at a G atm, which has helped, but how long for, I don't know. We need to sort out some after school rehearsals asap, but nobody seems to care. I'm starting to panic, cuz Drama is the one subject I HAVE to do well in, and if I mess it up... well I don't know what I'll do. Get pregnant and live off benefits probably, as my life would be ruined anyway. And I know some people might think that's a bit extreme, but that is how much drama means to me, and after all, this IS my GCSEs, they'll influence the rest of my life.

Slightly less obvious is something that some people would realise but others wouldn't, as they'd think I was feeling this way for a different reason. Me and Yung split up waaaaay back in October (school work got too much for us =() and although I'm now over him, there are a few things with the whole thing that are bugging me. First of all, is how even though we said we'd still be friends, and we were for a while, he's now pretty much stopped talking to me. Why do guys do that? Miles was exactly the same, though Miles was a twat and Yung wasn't, so why??? Secondly, and this will probably make me seem like a jealous bitch, but Yung's school is putting on Hairspray, which I would LOVE to do, but neither my school nor the theatre will put it on, and ok, I'll admit it, I'm REALLY jealous, especially as he's doing his first performance tonight, and I'm not doing any to the summer. So yeah... that's just jealousy pretty much.

Probably more obvious than that is about my hair. I got it cut last night, but it's been cut too short. Not important? Normally I wouldn't have thought so, but now I've realised just how upsetting it is. I was growing my hair long, and it's taken me AGES to get it this long, and it's only 2 months until prom and I want long hair for it but I don't want extensions because they're fake and I'm not. And that probably made me seem fake, but that's just how I feel.

Now, onto the deeper stuff, which I guess is the real reasons to why I'm feeling like this, the rest of the stuff is just niggling.

Claire... if you read this then please take it into account. I know you probably won't, but I just don't know how to tell you this. Your obsession with your weight is going too far. It feels like every single conversation has to involve calorie content or diets or weight in some way, I can't get away from it, and your constant putting yourself down and saying how you need to lose weight is making me lose all my confidence - remember I'm a size bigger than you when you say the stuff you say, and also remember that I'm happy the way I am, and I can help you become happy with the way you are (which, at a size 10, is perfectly healthy) if you'll just let me. What's worse is that you promised that you wouldn't skip meals or do anything stupid like that, which I know you've broken because you've done it in front of me. So what the hell is going on when I'm not around to look after you? What's worst of all though, is that I'm worried you're going to help up seriously ill because of it and I don't know how to stop it, and I'm crying right now so I hope you realise how much I mean this. If you were a bit bigger then maybe I wouldn't worry so much because I'd have time to get you out of your habits but you're so small now that you can't lose much more weight before you become underweight. I just don't know what to do. Oh and btw, I've stopped crying now, I know you wouldn't want me to cry over you so I just thought I'd reassure you.

And finally... something I haven't really admitted fully to anyone... I mean not even Claire, not properly. Basically, I really like this guy... and I guess I can use his real name cuz no one's gonna read this shit anyway, his name's Francis, and I really like him. I started liking him the night of the Christmas concert, (he's a drummer), when he pretended to insult me and I took pretend offence so he wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I felt such a tingle all over. At first I thought I was just craving male attention, but as time went on, I realised I was constantly thinking about him, and every time I was near him or talking to him my heart was beating a hundred times faster. Why is this a problem? Because one of my closest mates, Tiri, also likes him. I know I probably shouldn't write that here, she can visit this page anytime she likes, but fuck it, I need to say it out loud. She's also liked him a lot longer than I have - in THAT way, I've liked him as a person since I met him. Worst thing is, I can't figure out who he likes - maybe he doesn't even know. He is a guy, after all.

That's all for now... sorry for depressing you, I'll hopefully be a bit more cheerful next time xD

Laterzzz

Finally!!! Another Post!!

Well, I said this was going to be a busy term, and so far... I've proved myself right. Hence why this is the first post since school started!! And it's now been nearly 3 weeks!!

So, how has school been so far?
Great actually, apart from a few minor things, like:

A certain Physics teacher picking on me
Certain auditions I'm worried I've messed up
And freaking out that I won't have enough time to learn everything I need to learn in time for my exams (what can I say? I wanna make sure I do well)

Hmm, will talk more about those things later, first I need to say:

THERE IS A NEW GIRL!!!

And she is awesome =D
Her name is Tasha and she's in my drama and music classes, so I get to see her everyday in lesson time if I don't get to see her with friends (she generally hangs around with either Lauren or Emma's friend groups). And she is so nice!! Me, Tasha and Emma had a right laugh in drama today - ok I know that makes it sound like I wasn't concentrating much but we were doing a practical and we kept messing things up in really funny ways, I mean I never knew being an omnipotent wardrobe could be so much fun!! And I have three lessons of drama a week this year! (At my school, out of your 4 options, you have 2 subjects with 2 lessons a week and 2 with 3 lessons a week in year 10, then they swap over in year 11).

I am also extremely enjoying French this year. This may surprise anyone who knows how much I regretted taking French last year. This also surprised me. But we have a new teacher who is SO nice, and I understand French this year and I'm actually having fun! JE SUIS TRES HEUREUX!! I think I actually stand a chance of getting a B now!

I think I can do well in all of my GCSEs =)

Talking of doing well... I wanna try for a scholarship at Wymondham College. I'm gonna try for both an Academic and Music scholarship to give me the best chance of getting one =D I don't know if I'll get it, and even if I do get it, I don't know if we'll still be able to afford it, but I DO know that if I don't get it, there's no way I can afford to go, so I may as well give it a shot - I can still apply to other places in case I don't get in. Or I could temporarily move in with my cousin who lives a lot nearer to Wymondham than I do so I don't have to board and could apply as a day student instead. Though I don't see her agreeing. For some reason =L
So yeah... I don't officially fit the requirements for a Music scholarship but I'm hoping I'll have extra qualities that will make them consider me, and as for an Academic scholarship, I'll need 7 A's or above, which I'm pretty sure I can get, especially if I redo my Science Core coursework to boost my grade on that (oh yeah, I've got the chance to redo it because of the gap between my exams and coursework)

I am really going to be so busy this term!!

Oh yeah that reminds me - the Senior Drama Club production is The Crucible!! Which I'd never heard of before we decided to do it but it sounds so cool!! I've auditioned and I think I've done well, though there are 6th formers in it so there's more competition for main parts, but luckily there are a lot of main parts anyway XD
I'm more worried about my Sound of Music auditions - yeah, I did well in the acting auditions, and I thought I'd done well in the singing auditions, but now I'm not so sure. Cast list's up tomorrow though, so I will find out how well I did when I see what, if any, part I got!

Part of me's dreading it, part of me's excited. Hmm.

I tell you what I AM excited about though. Half term! For one simple reason... I'll get to see Yung again!! Forget all my other plans for the half term.. this is the one I'm looking forward to most. Which might sound a little mean, but its true. And trust me, if you were in my position, you would see why I feel like this. I miss him SO much, and the worst thing is that sometimes I'm too busy to do any more than send him a goodnight text =( Though the weekends are usually free enough to get to talk to him over the phone =D

I miss him =(

I want to see him again =(

Talking over the phone isn't the same as seeing him in real life =(

So I really can't wait til half term <3

Though hopefully you won't have to wait that long for an update XD

But for now... bye!!